alive.

“Grace is not gentle or made-to-order. It often comes disguised as loss, or failure, or unwelcome change.” — Kathleen Norris

I stumbled upon this quote yesterday and I am so thankful I did because it allowed me to recognize that the moments of loss and change and pain and joy are direct results of God’s grace. See, I recently entered into a season of unexpected loss and singleness. I have the security of knowing this season is very much from the Lord and for this, I am thankful. The pain and grieving over what is lost remains, though, and there are moments that hurt so much. But, it is because of this grace that came in the form of loss and unwelcome change that I have been able to recognize and dwell in the freedom and joy the Lord has provided. The hurt and pain are often present, but the moments of peace and excitement and freedom have trickled their way in and it is in these moments that I find hope.

For the first time in a very long time, I am letting myself experience feeling truly alive because I want to, not because I’m trying to impress or please someone else. For so long I have done this, enjoying something in order to share it on some kind of social media or with some person I care about with the hopes of ensuring their love and want for me. I would not enjoy something because I was simply created to enjoy it for myself. It was easier to connect myself with others, to put my identity and wants in their hands so I wouldn’t have to do the dirty work of figuring it out for myself.

And now, in this unexpected season of crazy beautiful and authentic and difficult grace, I am starting to face who I am, who I was created to be, and what makes me feel alive. I believe that humanity’s purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. When I am enjoying life and dwelling in the moments that make me feel alive simply because I was created to enjoy them instead of trying to impress those around me, My God is glorified.

So here’s to figuring this process out. I know that it will be painful and that suffering is inevitable, but I also believe that that’s where life truly lies. Today I am thankful for grace and moments of loss that lead to moments of life. For supportive communities and teachers and leaders and writers and friends. I am thankful that we serve a God who desires for us to enjoy what He has provided. I hope you learn that what you want matters. That you were created to enjoy this life and find passion that will glorify our Great God. That even in the midst of pain and loss and unexpected change, the grace of our God is truly leading the charge in order for us to become closer to Him, glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever. Amen.

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